The following list came from male group members in my domestic violence program.  They were asked what they thought the community thinks about someone in the domestic violence/anger management groups.   Many of these traits fit for some, however, most individuals serious about getting help realize that what happened was wrong and want to show those important to them (partners, relatives, friends, children, Judges, employers, mediators) that they have either changed or the incident was isolated.  They do not want their experience with the law to define them forever.

The second list offers ideas/suggestions that are, for the most part, the opposite of the first list.

WHAT GROUP MEMBERS THINK THE STEREOTYPE IS OF SOMEONE IN OUR GROUP

• It’s man
• He’s violent
• It happens a lot
• He doesn’t respect women
• He thinks of them more in terms of sex and duty
• He’s a dictator/controller
• He sees women more as property/objects
• He sees women as game pieces
• He lies
• He doesn’t care about a woman’s feelings
• He is abusive physically, mentally, emotionally, sexually, and economically
• He yells to get what he wants
• He threatens to get his way
• He stalks: physically, cell phone, facebook, etc
• He sees women as toys
• He thinks women are scandalous
• He makes comments like, “Women know how to push a man’s buttons”
• He considers women to be stupid or ignorant
• He believes women are trouble makers
• He believes women are emotional and dramatic
• He will comment that women sometimes deserve to be abused
• He thinks if he abuses her she should not call the police or get help
• He thinks women are snitches
• He believes women are cop callers
• He has the potential to be a killer
• He will use his fist when he hits
• He is short tempered
• He is out of control
• He is crazy/mentally unstable
• He often refers to women by a name that the woman would consider negative such as bitch, pig, etc.
• The belief is once an abuser always an abuser
• He’s not a real man
• He’s a user/selfish
• He has other problems: alcohol/drugs
• He minimizes or denies he has a problem
• He is insensitive
• He hurts women to feel better/in charge
• He has to be dominant
• He threatens with body language
• He threatens with facial expressions
• He uses a negative or angry tone when talking
• He is dismissive
• He is vulgar around women
• He uses language that makes a woman feel worth less
• He will likely cheat
• He does not consider violence, cheating, name calling, or threats to be that bad.  However, if she does something similar, it is.
• He doesn’t trust women
• He won’t let them call for help/will hold them hostage
• He does things to keep the woman away from family and friends
• He denies them their freedom
• He intimidate them
• He humiliates them in front of others
• He supports bad mouthing women when others are doing it

WHAT GROUP MEMBERS CAN DO TO CHANGE THE STEREOTYPE

As a man:

• Act non aggressively
• Give your history of before and after that shows no abuse
• Demonstrate respect for women by words, actions, deeds
• Describe the benefits or qualities of women
• Give evidence that the women’s ideas and opinions are valid
• Show appreciation for the woman’s intellect, personality, qualities
• Demonstrate that you have clear boundaries regarding any type of abuse (stay Evergreen)
• Discuss what you want and why, clearly and seriously
• Use words that help make your point, not words that use threats
• If there are trust issues discuss ways that the issue may be resolved and develop a plan to improve trust
• Show respect by actions that others can see
• Demonstrate appreciation with serious compliments or other forms of appreciation both privately and in front of others
• When working with a women or when in a relationship, be clear about what each person’s responsibilities are
• Recognize that both men and women have good days and bad days.  Learn QTIP.  Discuss if necessary
• Let others know that women NEVER deserve to be abused
• Own that any women has the right to call for help if her safety is threatened
• Acknowledge that any threats to safety on your part should be dealt with the way you would want it dealt with for a mother, sister, or daughter
• Be helpful at home and in your community
• When an argument starts use body language that supports solutions or discussions
• If the situation is leaning toward the potential of inappropriate, agree that leaving for a time is acceptable for both
• Be responsible with your home, work and social life
• NEVER use words that demean or humiliate a women
• Trust that you have the choice to either come up with better words or not use any at the time
• Be consistent with responsible behavior.  Respect yourself.  One 30 second lapse in judgement can result in years of recovery
• Most of the time show a willingness to compromise
• Stay healthy with the right people, the right places and the right things for you
• Show that you can admit to making a mistake and, if necessary, taking the steps to rectify the problem
• Although you may not feel the way the woman does, acknowledge her feelings as you would want her to acknowledge yours if you were upset
• Show consistent interest
• Be aware of body language, facial expressions, words, tone and attitude
• If the discussion of women comes up show your appreciation for them
• Be faithful
• Recognize the importance of family and friends for the women who has a positive relationship with them
• Allow the partner to spend time on her own with family and friends if she chooses to do so
• Whether in the home or in public show respect for yourself and your partner
• When others want to portray the majority of women in a negative way, step up and support the fact that all women aren’t bad, especially your partner